He Called and He Shouted

#11

Mark 10: 13 - 16 People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

Its been a few days since I last wrote, life has just been busy the last few days. So I sat down tonight knowing that I wanted to write, but with absolutely no idea about what. Now its about 2 hours later and I have to say God met me here at my kitchen table tonight.  I was lead to this scripture and the song I have attached and to the overwhelming feeling and warmth of my heavenly fathers love for me.

My Heavenly Father has broken me softly tonight. Its so apparent to me that I have been taking too much time trying to dig deep to search for some hidden nugget or to find some new gem about my God.  But thanks be to God that he shouted through my blindness and got hold of me tonight.  He has made it abundantly clear to me that sometimes I need to stop looking so hard for the life application or the lesson that I need to learn and just enjoy His love for me.

Passionately waiting can just be resting! Passionately waiting can just be enjoying my Fathers presence! Passionately waiting can just be praising. - And in waiting on Him, I can be transformed! I was created to have a relationship with my God, and that can mean just spending time with Him, enjoying his closeness and love.

Also I have been challenged so much over the last couple weeks while writing this blog. At times I have felt guilty, ashamed and unworthy to call myself a Christ Follower and to put pen to paper on here, so to speak. Since I wrote my last post about being real at work, play and at home, I have found myself measuring every conversation and interaction closely. I have been trying to check every thought and emotion and I have to say that I am tired, I feel emotionally drained. I have messed up and I have been feeling like a failure. Somewhere along the line I made the mistake of thinking that by being open and vulnerable, I could take control of my life and become pleasing to God again.

But today Pastor Mike spoke a great sermon about the "Good Stuff". The "Good Stuff" is the great truths from God that sometimes get trampled on, choked out blown away and don't take root in our hearts. I have to confess that my heart has been hard to the truths as I listen to lies about myself. I think that I have screwed up too much, that I have messed up too many relationships, sinned too much, hurt too many people and basically I have disappointed my God.

But God called and he shouted, broke through my deafness and has made it so clear to me tonight that he loves me the way a new mother and father love their new born baby. God looks down on me with pride, amazement, happiness and joy!!  And now, like a new born baby, "I breath in and breath out - I'M ALIVE AGAIN!! You shatter my darkness you wipe away my blindness and I breath in and I breath out, I'M ALIVE AGAIN!!" (Matt Maher - Alive Again)

"Lord forgive me of two things, for searching too hard for impressive insights and wisdom and not just sitting at your feet and enjoying you. And forgive me for believing the lie that you are disappointed in me and that I need to work really hard to please you and letting that harden my heart. Thank you for breaking me softly tonight, for breaking and softening the soil on my heart to be ready to take the seeds of your truth. I love you Father!!"

Whack Job

#10

Matthew 10:32-34 “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.”

Well, I just got whacked. Not Mafia style whacked, I am not writing this from a trunk of a car as we speak, typing with my head in a vice or swimming with the fishes as I blog. I just got whacked by God. It was like he said to me “I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.” - “Either put your life on the line or don’t bother writing anymore.”  You may be wondering what I mean by putting my life on the line.

I have to be straight up here and totally honest with myself. I can lead a double life sometimes. I find it easy to portray myself the way I want to or the way I think people would like.  I find it easy to blend in, to make people like me and to just go with the flow. It’s also very easy to write this blog knowing my church friends and people might appreciate it, but it’s another thing completely to consider all my friends, my co-workers and acquaintances may be reading this as well. Will they read this now and think “Who is this Kevin?” “Where did the normal Kevin we see and talk with everyday go?”

I have to be honest with myself again and ask some tough questions; Am I ashamed of the Gospel, the Good News of Jesus Christ? Or am I just ashamed of how I have carried myself, the conversations I have had, the jokes I have made, the gossip I have been involved in and the attitudes I can have? – It’s the latter. I am not ashamed of Jesus and his Good News, people know what I believe, but do my actions portray my belief at all?

Only two days ago I wrote: “If you don’t live it, you don’t believe it”  - WHACK!!

To put my life on the line today, tonight, this week, and right now I need to open myself up to the chance to be criticized, to be called two faced, to be seen as un-authentic and to maybe lose some respect in people’s eyes. I need to own up to the fact that I am not the most shining example of what a Christian should look and act like.  I need to repent of that and make changes, but also, I want to passionately wait and hang on to Gods truth fro me today:

Matthew 10:39 “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

There is hope in this verse for me. It’s a promise from God that he will be faithful to me, show me my real identity and give me a true purpose for my life.

So, tonight, and from now on, all my blog postings will go directly on my Facebook wall, where all my friends, co-workers and acquaintances can find it. No more hoping that just my church friends will read along. I may be found wanting in the looking and acting like a good Christian department, but I don’t want to hold on to my life or my pride anymore. I want to lay it down at the Cross and let God continue to change me, use me and mould me, warts and all. I want to be authentic, even if what I see in the mirror, I am not proud of yet....

“Lord, forgive me once again for holding on to my life and my pride. The silly thing is that it’s not even worth hanging on to. Lord change me, I want to be the same man at work, at play, at home and at church. Give me the courage to stand for you, the ability to say I am sorry, the humility to be able to own up to my shortcomings and mistakes. May I also humbly and thankfully accept your Grace – Which is you working inside me and changing me. Lord you love me just the way I am but you refuse to leave me this way”